Sledge hammer

I haven't been careful enough. That must be it.
I wasn't watching. I thought I was...
I thought I would never be dragged into this room again.
A room I built myself.
A small, round brick room in the middle of nowhere.
I didn't even realize I was building it again.

Why is it that when I don't feel safe I build this wall?
Because I know it won't keep everything out forever,
Mostly it keeps me inside.
That is not what I want!
And my feelings, my thoughts,
They bounce off the walls and come screaming back into my body, my head.
I try. I try to get them out, but there's nowhere they can go.

I scream from the top of my lungs.
I scream for help. I want people to come with
sledgehammers
and
beat
this
wall down.
And they come.
My friends, my loves, my family.
Outside the walls, trying to help.
I feel the hammers beating.

The wall keeps standing.
Some bricks crumble.
But I'll have to do this myself again.
Brick by fucking brick.
I don't want to.
It hurts.

I lie in the corner
With my head under a blanket
And music pumping in my ears.
The wall is unattended.
And it grows and grows.

I can't believe I didn't see this coming.
I thought I could do this.
I feel so alone.
So disconnected.
I want a sledge hammer.