Sledge hammer

I haven't been careful enough. That must be it.
I wasn't watching. I thought I was...
I thought I would never be dragged into this room again.
A room I built myself.
A small, round brick room in the middle of nowhere.
I didn't even realize I was building it again.

Why is it that when I don't feel safe I build this wall?
Because I know it won't keep everything out forever,
Mostly it keeps me inside.
That is not what I want!
And my feelings, my thoughts,
They bounce off the walls and come screaming back into my body, my head.
I try. I try to get them out, but there's nowhere they can go.

I scream from the top of my lungs.
I scream for help. I want people to come with
sledgehammers
and
beat
this
wall down.
And they come.
My friends, my loves, my family.
Outside the walls, trying to help.
I feel the hammers beating.

The wall keeps standing.
Some bricks crumble.
But I'll have to do this myself again.
Brick by fucking brick.
I don't want to.
It hurts.

I lie in the corner
With my head under a blanket
And music pumping in my ears.
The wall is unattended.
And it grows and grows.

I can't believe I didn't see this coming.
I thought I could do this.
I feel so alone.
So disconnected.
I want a sledge hammer.

2010...

Holy shit, it's been a while since I wrote anything down.

Which is too bad, actually. Reading my own stories about Ireland makes me realize how few I actually remember!! And especially now that I have such a busy, busy life I should really step out from time to time and write down what's on my mind. Just so that I can read about it later and remember.

I can barely grasp how long it's been since I was in Ireland. Since then, I started my new studies, English Language and Culture, and, exept for Old English, finished all my classes in the first year without resits and pretty good grades.

In the summer I've been to Greece for the first time, which was kind of scary, bacause I hate extreme heat. But I was assured that it would not be that bad that season. They were wrong. But, heat aside, it was a beautiful holiday.

In the secon year, I had to choose my minor. I really had no idea and finally picked European medieval history. I think I should have picked Film & Theatre studies.

It's just so much work, I don't think I can do it...

Anyway, what else happened? I bought a house, I have two cats and I'm still together with Niki. It's already been 4,5 years. Wow. It's such a long time, especially when I see that most of my friends don't have realationships that last that long. Well, I can only hope they'll find their equivalent of Niki ;)

And these are only the main happenings, of course, so much more happened!

My girlfriend started her new studies and is rocking it,

I'm completely off medication and therapy,

My parents moved to northern Holland,

My older brother has a new job, and so do both of my parents,

My younger brother graduated from high school and has his own place,

Two of my friends got married in a train,

One of my best friend went to Nepal for 4 months,

My friends started a band that's going really well,

I had my tattoo extended,

I have finally seen Ani Difranco live (and regina Spektor, and Tori Amos again),

I went to M'era Luna again and to Sziget festival (and more festivals),

I've seen Tori Amos, Heater Nova, Regina Spektor, Juliette and the Licks, Peaches, Ladytron, (and many, many more artists) again or for the first time,

I met many great new people and made new friends,

And soooo much more happened!

And that's why I should start writing more, just to remember all the great details.

Happy 2010!!